Are You In The Here & Now?

I savored the silences and my morning cup of coffee, as I gazed out the window to take in a view of the mountains. It’s why dawn happens to be my favorite part of the day. In the quiet of the morning, in the here and now, there is an enormous space within the Self that opens up to hold everything that passes by; every thought, every emotion, however turbulent it may be. It’s here for a reason, and I welcome each of them.

My heart felt a tad bit heavy, as today marked the 6th month of Mom’s passing and so an “anniversary reaction” was expected leading up to it. One step, one moment at a time, I reminded myself.

As I picked up the now-empty coffee mug, something caught my attention and I curiously peered inside it. The residue had dried up into the shape of a heart, and I smiled.

“I love you too, my coffee mug,” I smiled and said, as I came back to the here and now. And over the course of the day, I flitted along, being in the lap of nature, being carried by life, just as it is meant to be. Always. You just have to trust in it.

I hugged myself as I posed with one of the fourteen A-Mazing-Laughter sculptures on my morning run, giggling away at how the playfulness emerged.

Later, as I walked to see the sunset over the ocean, my mind was lulled into silence. I had chosen to take each step mindfully; paying attention to my breath, to the beat of my heart, and taking in the sights, sounds, and sensations of the surroundings: the orange and pink skies, the cool breeze, people with their loved ones, a guitar strumming in the distance while two teenagers sang “Wish you were here,” the artist drawing out the sunset on his canvas, and my breath again with its ebb and flow.

The next day, I chanced upon a “Locking in Hope” structure by a riverfront. People had written love notes on padlocks and hung them on this sculpture/structure.

A few steps ahead, someone had written “You are loved” on the beach. A stop sign with the word “Estil” (in the native language of the area) caught my attention. It literally means “Be Still.” How beautiful is that, I thought.

I continued to see the world with child-like wonder. Moments that were unfolding through the days were teaching me about love, particularly self-love, hope, stillness, and being mindfully aware and present.

Mindfulness.

It’s a way of life I strongly encourage. One way of seeing its benefits first hand is to make it a norm every day. To be fully present, aware of where we are, what we are doing, and even when we feel overwhelmed by thoughts or emotions, to just stay centered.

So here are 5 of my favorite mindfulness mantras:

1.  You are not your thoughts: Have you noticed how we get sucked into our own thoughts? About self? Others? Our relationships? Life in general? And before we know it, the cascading effect has led to analysis paralysis and feelings that may range from sad, angry, anxious, vulnerable, fragile, insecure, unloved, abandoned, rejected. You get the drift. It is possible create a distance between YOU and the thoughts and see how life unfolds.

2.  Just Be…In the Here & Now, with your breath as an anchor: Often, we find ourselves living in the past, or worrying about the future. That doesn’t mean you repress thoughts and feelings but create a welcome space to let everything pass, without judging them, without identifying with them, without latching onto them. Let them come, and let them go. Focus on your breath, however it is, and realize that with each breath you take, you, as the observer are the constant, the one who is witnessing the coming and going of every experience. Spend a few minutes everyday, with yourself. Meditation is always a good tool to bring awareness to your inner world.

3.  Be Mindfully Present & Aware: Yes, it’s worth repeating. Be mindfully present with your loved ones, while you engage in work, or are by yourself. Multi-tasking and constant doing to distract yourself are overrated. Become a better juggler, but only if you have to.

4.  Always, always show yourself compassion and loving kindness: You are with yourself 24/7, 365 days a year. Are you your own best friend? Do you love yourself for all that you are in the now, despite the scars and the transient experiences. Through the heart breaking into a million pieces, falling down and getting up, of feeling vulnerable and/or insecure, and back to being, who carries you through it all? Who believes in you? Who has the answers?

5. Take time out for yourself by stepping into nature: Go for a walk, or just sit and be; and observe with curiosity what you see, hear, smell, taste, feel. Bring attention to your sense of being. Refresh, energize, rejuvenate.

Are you in the Here and Now, with me?

What Can I Do For You?

I opened the card she gave me for my birthday and her words touched my heart:

“Dear Dr. D,
I know that it’s been a very tough year for you. Yet you’re here for me when I don’t want to be there for myself, you embrace me with support and strength when I have no resilience and motivation of my own, and your companionship helps me feel meaning and reconnect with life when I’m caged in pessimism and disillusioned with everything. And I really trust you when you say that we can get through this together. So, thank you for being a part of my journey, and for including me in yours. Lots of love.”

She made me reflect on my journey with clients so far, and the lessons I’ve learnt along the way. 

Lesson #1 just got reinforced...

“What can I do for you?” I often ask clients who sit across from me for their first session.

To be truly there for someone, earnestly and with sincerity, requires a genuine presence.
To listen with your heart, to understand their deepest concerns, and not just at the words that they speak. To take in their silences, their averted gaze at times, the way they wring their hands, or tap their feet, the raised tone and pitch to express their fears often camouflaged as anger.

To be there for someone by being invested in them. To care because they are an integral part of you, and to step into their shoes to gauge where they are presently, why they are, who they are, and where they want to be from this moment on.

To tell them that you are in this together, that they have to take charge of their own selves, own up to their problems, embrace the hurt, and the scars, and that you will walk together, as they figure out what life and living is all about.

And to truly be there, creating a safe place for them to just be: to be vulnerable, angry, sad, anxious, disillusioned, or whatever else overwhelms them. There is always space for every emotion that comes, without labeling them as “negative” or “positive.” They are all there for a reason. And you are there for them, even when existential angst is lashed out at you, and you don’t take it personally. Be. There. For. Them.

In that safe space, you build trust, so you can speak the truth, even if it stings. You learn when to sit in silence with them, or when to speak based on whatever is needed, but mostly for them to create insights on their own. After all, it is their own path they are carving, and the goals and the way is for them to craft.

Love. You dole out unconditional love that is underlined by acceptance. Tender mostly, but tough love too when it is needed. You are protective, but not over-protective. Let them speak up for themselves, let them fight their own battles, let them emerge victorious, or learn from the fall and the fresh bruises. Let them have their moment of weakness, and let them come back up strong. Let them walk courageously into the obstacles that come in their path, because they know their will and way to fight is stronger than the defeat they may fear.

Keep them in a warm embrace through an emotional storm and in happier times; celebrate their victories and wins. Smile. Hold their hand when they need it, and give them space when they need it. Learn to differentiate when they need it and when they ask for it, because there is a significant difference between the two. Through it all…Be. There. For. Them.

You walk with them on their path of self-discovery. They figure out how to put the pieces of the puzzle of life together; with you by their side. They learn to embrace the uncertainty, the chaos, and the unpredictability, because they know that the only thing in their control is how they respond to the situations, whatever they may be. They believe in themselves and they commit to finding a meaning and purpose in life. This is an important first step one has to take to move forward; towards happiness and growth.

I. Will. Be. There.
That’s what I can do for you, as we set off on this journey. Together.