I had re-visited my alma mater, Gargi College, many times since I graduated from the 1996 batch of the undergraduate Psychology batch. But this time was different.
I had been invited to address the students, faculty, and non-academic staff; and the interactive session was on “Developing Compassion in Dealing with Trauma.” But this was no “guest lecture” from an alumna who was now a practising psychologist.
As I walked into the large auditorium, I chose to not stand behind the podium on the large stage, but be on the floor with the gathering; standing in solidarity with them. The auditorium was packed and after my introduction was made, I said as much to them as to myself, “If not now, then when?”
I had to be here doing my bit to help the college move on from the nightmarish incident that had shaken up the entire college on 6th Feb, the day the college celebrated “Reverie,” their annual cultural festival. A large group of men had barged onto the campus grounds and had sexually molested, assaulted, and groped the students at my all-girls college. It hadn’t even hit the news that night when students from Izhaar, the Psychology Department’s Mental Health initiative, who had been the first responders, called me on how they could help the girls who were reaching out to them after having witnessed or experienced the assault.
I couldn’t not help.
Again, if not now, then when? Now, of all times, was the moment to offer support to the Gargi College community to wade through the barrage of emotions that hit everyone in the face of sexual assault. Whether they had experienced it personally, were witness to it, or had been hearing accounts of it which affected them to the core, the time was now to focus on healing. And it was heartening to see that the college took proactive steps to start the process, once the initial onslaught of emotions started settling down.
A traumatic incident such as this can rear its ugliest head when you’re least expecting it. It comes out of nowhere and sweeps the rug from beneath your feet. It leaves you feeling shocked and in disbelief, often in denial, and then feeling unsafe, violated, angry, confused, bitter, sad, hopeless, helpless, guilty, shameful, anxious, stressed, suicidal and so on. This one trauma can bring on so many emotions, in waves and cycles, that it just overwhelms every person involved.
So what did I do? What could I do?
First things first, I told them I was not there to lecture them but to interact with them and hear from them on how I could help each of them heal and move on. I spoke about how trauma manifests psychologically and physically and the role of compassion in the journey of healing.
There’s an old Japanese saying that as a companion is to travel, so is compassion to life. Compassion is a handy companion to have at all times, but especially in the aftermath of the trauma, for ourselves and for others. Most of the time we find ourselves in the loop of discontentment, dissatisfaction (with ourselves and our world), self-loathing, being overly critical, and angry. Angry at the injustice, and the system. Just angry.
Let me talk about that for a bit.
Anger…such a misunderstood emotion. We fear it, we run away from it, we avoid it, we suppress it. When all that is needed is for us to embrace it. To treat it with love and compassion. Why, you may ask, when it is such a “negative” emotion. Every emotion has its space, has a reason, must be faced and expressed, must be channelized well, and must be worked through. No emotion is negative or positive. We label and judge our emotions when, in fact, all that is needed is for us to make space for them.
Because, beneath anger we may find fear, hurt, mistrust, sadness, anxiety, frustration, a grave feeling of being subjected to injustice. And suddenly, anger is neither a wasteful emotion nor a negative one, but instead it becomes the gateway to understand ourselves inside out. It allows us to make space for all these emotions and work through them.
Healing thus begins with compassion, all-embracing even of an emotion like anger. As I spoke about strategies to help heal, I knew I would be just scratching the surface of beginning that journey.
Healing, after all, is such a personal journey. It needs to be customized to every individual. But if there was one thing I wanted these students and staff to take away on the day, it was that they needed to find it within themselves to prioritize their own selves, to process their emotions, to move forward with a resolve to make things better for themselves, for others around them, and to take proactive, constructive steps on how to get systems in place in their environment and within their internal selves to be able to deal with the psychological trauma and any stress that might surface thereon.
So, compassion again. And empathy. To be able to step into the other person’s shoes and to be able to see what they say, hear what they heard, feel what they felt. With gentleness, calmness, peace, openness, and in a non-judgmental way. To be there by their side, to listen with an open heart and mind, and to sit next to them as they went through their journey of finding their way back. To keep their own emotions aside for the time being to be present for the ones in dire need. But also to come back and centre themselves, to regain your own state of equanimity.
I urged everyone to be there for whoever came to them for help. To clear their calendar, silent their phones, ensure privacy and safety, and listen to what they had to share. And to ask how they could help. It takes a lot for a person who has undergone a trauma to come up and speak their heart out. So they deserve that unreserved attention, that patient hearing, often without the urge to “fix” or “say something” that would “help” them. Sometimes, all they want is to be heard, to feel your authentic presence and being, and just a simple, compassionate response from you: “Thank you for trusting me and sharing your innermost world with me. How can I help you?”
After I had gone over the key strategies, I had kept 15 minutes to answer any questions and concerns the gathering may have. Perhaps they already knew it, perhaps they had internalized from what I had said. In any case, realizing that the issue was sensitive, the students made a suggestion that they could write their questions anonymously on pieces of paper and I could address them with the gathering.
I looked at my watch and realized that I needed to leave in 25 minutes to see my next client at the clinic. But I also knew I needed to be there for Gargi, however long it took.
The pieces of paper started trickling in and I would read a question aloud and address the students present there.
Each question tugged painfully at my heart. But I knew before the questions even came to me that prior childhood sexual abuse memories would have been reignited in the aftermath of the incident in the college. And I was unfortunately right.
Here are some of the questions (paraphrased) that came my way:
“I experienced sexual assault ___ years ago. Why are memories of that assault suddenly coming back after the college incident?”
“I was sexually assaulted in school and I didn’t comprehend what happened to me then. Given what’s happened in college a lot of things are triggering me. How can I heal from it?”
“A relative is troubling me and I can’t tell my parents about it. What can I do to deal with it?
“Hearing all these stories about sexual harassment and physical abuse is causing me trauma? How can I deal with my own emotions while being there for them as well?”
“Someone harassed me and I fought back and he is still following me. How do I manage the situation? How do I control the fear and anxiety that builds up?”
“Ever since the festival, I find it difficult to be in crowded places. A sense of fear creeps in. How will that go away?”
“How can I tell my parents about the sexual abuse I went through when I was young? What if they don’t believe me?”
“Should we forgive and move on?”
“How can we let go of our anger?”
There were no easy questions, not one. I had to navigate through them sensitively, dealing with the trauma of prior sexual abuse incidents and the memories it invoked.
We can’t go back and change an incident but we can certainly move past it and build ourselves up. It’s what we owe ourselves: to be healthy, resilient individuals who don’t live in the shadows of their past. Who also take action against the perpetrator by calling the abuse out so that their threats and intimidations don’t make them back down and suffer repeated abuse.
Processing emotions is easier said than done. So we spoke about understanding their emotions, their anger, the context, and working their way through it. We spoke about channelizing their energies to have a constructive dialogue on how to make their campus safe, on what they learnt from the incident and how they could move on, in making themselves stronger individuals, with a stronger support network, and figuring out proactive ways in addressing the loopholes and gaps that were found.
By this time, I was already 30 minutes late for my session back at the clinic (and I am usually very punctual). But I didn’t want to leave till every concern, every question was answered. Till the angst within the students was put to rest, or at least doused a bit. Till I didn’t stoke a fire in the belly to focus on prioritizing their healing compassionately, for themselves and collectively too. Whether it is healing from their past traumas that resurfaced because of the incident, or in wanting to function at their best, optimal selves. I didn’t want to leave till I felt I had given my best in extending a helping hand.
“I am there for you, and I will be here, whenever you call me, this much I promise,” I said, as I thanked everyone who came by for reposing their trust in me.
I hope they felt better, because I have seen the power of opening up our hearts, of trusting, of finding the courage to feel safe, of sharing, of letting go of whatever holds us back. I guess what I am saying is, I can potentially help you, but more importantly, you can help you.