I’m sitting at my favorite spot on campus at Marquette University in Milwaukee. The cozy fireplace in the café inside the Law Library is keeping me warm on a cold November day with blustery winds and sub-zero temperatures. It’s quiet except for the barista making some fresh coffee and I hear people wishing each other “Happy Thanksgiving,” as the US takes the week off to celebrate this tradition of giving thanks, to family and friends, as it does on the last Thursday of November every year.
As I saw the flames leap through the logs in the fireplace, annihilating themselves to bring warmth to us sitting close by, I reflected on the past ten days where I found much needed succor and comfort in my sisters’ company as we regrouped.
A lot has happened in the past year. The family – the unbreakable glue that has always kept us rooted and together—struggled to find its footing after Mom passed away, exactly 11 months ago, to this day. In this time, grief reared its ugly head as we all struggled to come to terms with the Mom-sized void she left in our hearts. Life came to a standstill, chaos and confusion wreaked havoc, we found our own selves clamoring to find answers to our own existential crises that stared us in the eye. Our rock of Gibraltar was gone and we found ourselves on a precipice, about to fall.
And just like that, a human chain was formed. We held each other’s hand so that none of us teetered and lost balance. Dad took over Mom’s role by assuming her responsibilities, and we herded together, huddled around him. The sisters and I shared stories of Mom’s legacy, kept her alive in our memories and heart, and we appreciated each other as extensions of her, in flesh and blood. She was alive in us. The bonds strengthened as we realized how insignificant other issues become in the face of this grave loss.
My 20-year- old niece sent in occasional messages to check on how I was doing, updating me with her goings-on, her life in college, and all her other antics. Her love touched my heart across the continents. I wasn’t alone.
I’ve seen the loss of friends’ parents this year. Somehow cremations were more frequent than celebratory events. The wounds from our own loss would open again, pain would overwhelm temporarily, only to heal again, for however long the next loss would come around the corner and yank it wide open. The scars started forming nevertheless and the pain dulled, thankfully.
I’ve seen heartbreak, fraying away of relationships that once were crafted lovingly with a silken thread, recently, or even many years ago. Be they of friendships, filial bonds, or even our connection with our own selves. There is a breaking away, in any case, of tiny fragments from the soul, as one watches on helplessly, wondering if the season will ever change from winter to spring. The dull ache continues.
The precipice looms up large, jeering you on to look into it so that you can lose balance and fall. How seductive that dance is.
The spiral could continue pulling you into its deep dark vortex till you reach your hand out and grab at something. Anything that could make you hold on.
For me, that anchor was gratitude, counting life’s blessings, learning once again from the hurt and pain, and coming back up from hitting rock bottom; believing that you had it in you to come crashing through to the other side with all the courage you can muster.
This Thanksgiving, despite it being a tumultuous year which in itself was a huge learning, I found myself reflecting on what made me soar, rather than fall; and how we can give thanks to life, replete with all its glory and the darkness.
Family: Those bonds that love and heal. This much I know, that when the going gets rough, it is family, and often the immediate one that comes together to support you, however anguished each one may be, at an individual level or with one another. There is a comfort in healing together, sharing together, and moving forward together. They become your voice of reason when you lose yourself, often holding your hand, even in silence, across the distance till you ride the tide.
True friends: Those who understood just when I needed to go into hibernation to make sense of things, who dealt with my silences, my absences, who met to give hugs, or just to have coffee with. Who continued to send messages despite my non-responsiveness because they put themselves aside to be there for me. Those for me are my true friends, and you know who you are.
The King of our House, The Dog: Jopu, our black Labrador is 14 years old this month. Despite his arthritic hind legs, his rasping cough, he walks up to the door to greet us in the evening when we come back from work. If he can function through his pain, express his happiness on seeing us, shower us with unconditional love, what’s our excuse?
What brings meaning: For me it’s been work. Seeing clients grow, becoming the best versions of their self, working on their relationships with themselves and significant others has brought immense satisfaction. I have realized that when you step out and be of service to others, you forget your own misery. Healing becomes mutual and a subtle two-way street.
Heartbreak: I dug out my post on Kintsugi yesterday, to remind myself of the beauty in brokenness when I experienced heartache, yet again (damn the empath in me). I realized that if the old, previously functional but now dysfunctional patterns continue and I end up hurting again, then I am responsible for that and I need to take charge. The reason why we don’t move forward is because we keep applying an old formula to a new level in our lives. We need to change the formula to get a different result. It’s as simple as that.
“But darling, in the end you’ve got to be your own hero, because everybody’s busy trying to save themselves.” I had read this pithy, hard hitting quote many years ago, but this year it resonated and how. There are voids we seek to fill by reaching out to others. There are expectations we have of relationships and people being a certain way so that they serve us better, only to often lead to disappointment. When it comes to coming back up after you hit rock bottom, listen to your head and heart, dig deep and find out the courage within to rise up again. Be your own hero, and don’t you ever quit.
Letting go: Of people’s actions that hurt us, of situations that don’t serve us, of anger and resentment that fester within and come in the way of our own freedom. Let go…
Lift Yourself Up: Don’t let your fears run the show; get out of bed when it’s hard; make room for inner peace, joy, and beauty; rewrite your story so that it’s empowering; care for your own feelings and be gentle with yourself; do the best you can in this moment.
Love yourself: Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energies of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more you love who you are, the less you seek validation and approval.
Be a light in a too-often dim world: Build someone up, put their fears to rest, remind them of their self-worth, have them believe in their own magic. Be a ray of hope.
Missed opportunities and failures: It’s humbling to have experienced failure and disappointments because you realize you are made of some strong stuff to bounce back. You always have a choice whether to soar or sink.
And in the end, gratitude to grief. Grief that I shunned 11 months ago, that brought me to my knees, that I couldn’t make sense of. I read books on death, dying, and living to understand what would have happened to Mom in her afterlife. Was she happy? Was she finally at peace after that horrific illness that took her breath away? I was shaken up within. Only to realize that grief revealed who I truly was. It took the blinders and the filters away; it made my voice stronger; it numbed me at times but also was the flashlight in the night full of darkness. It paved the way through turbulent times to bring me to where I am today. Looking over the precipice with a smile, and saying, “Hey, I got this. Try me!”
This Thanksgiving, express gratitude for life, its lessons, the people in it that have each played a role in shaping you and who you are today. While it’s about appreciating the love of the family, it has to begin with you, that single entity that weaves the web and extends its roots deep down in our connectedness with others.
Go ahead, take the opportunity to use thanks as the anchor and springboard, as your strength and your mirror!